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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
restless and miserable.
2020-01-09 @ 8:49 p.m.
i will be excited for the day that i don't wake up and cry, and when i don't burst into tears the moment i walk in the door after work. today, boss's friend that i hate so much came in and i successfully ignored him until he saw all the cat stuff on my desk and asked how many cats i had. i said none, at the moment. and he was like how can a cat lady not have any cats!? naturally i had to run home to cry. first time i've had to though, so that's something. it's so hard, my body hurts. i am still tired. i took a really nice, long, hot bath last night, and that was relaxing. i slept pretty well. but i just feel so generally exhausted, so out of it. i can't concentrate at work, or at home. it's like my sadness has scrambled my brain and sapped all of my energy and i'm just this fucking husk floating through the world of the living. mr. able called because it's boss's birthday and i completely forgot and didn't do anything for him. i feel like an asshole so i'm going to bring him some of the stew i'm making (he loved it last year) and some mini cupcakes. anyway, mr. able could tell i was fucked up and i told him i didn't want to talk about it and he made me promise to call him if i needed anything. i wish there was something he could do. anyone. my sweet little baby boy. why did this have to happen? i know there is no answer besides, "this is life," but my soul still screams it out to the universe. why? why? it's so silent, so lonely in here. i am actually alone. i don't really have much to say, i'm just trying to give some shape to my racing thoughts. i'm trying to take care of myself. i'm trying to remind myself of all of the things i'm thankful for. the biggest thing i'm thankful for is that i was there. i was there with him. that's all that matters. boss is being amazing and leaving me alone for the most part, being gentle with me. i am so thankful for him. he asked if i was going to work on saturday and i honestly don't know. i need to pay him back and i'll be pretty tight this week if i don't work, but i also feel like i just really need the time alone. but i also kind of don't, because i feel the worst when i'm here alone. i don't know. i guess it depends on the weather or something. alright, well. enough from me. time to search for more recipes. maybe i'll start actually working out again. i am so restless and miserable. the end. |